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Questions during Lunch
"Is it true you're an instructor? In the secure area?"
Cathy could hear the intense curiosity behind the apparently innocuous question. Across the table Kelli Heller, her dining companion for lunch, took a sip of her soft drink while she waited to hear the answer.
"That's right. I'm new though, as is Robert, my master and now warden. He and the Director decided that my experience would be of value to the students here." Cathy was using the common euphemistic terms. The school might be run like a prison, the students little more than inmates, but there were differences. As Cathy had found out the purpose was to educate, not punish.
"I've never been to that part of the school. My master Mathew is a warden too. I help by working as the dietician. I'm to blame when the menu here in the cafeteria isn't particularly tasty." Kelli nodded toward the kitchen. "I have a little office back there. I help plan the diet for the women on the other side too. I know they have it pretty rough so I try to put a little variety in the daily meals."
Cathy thought back to her own involuntary visits as a student. The first time she had earned her admission with a temper tantrum carried too far; the second was at the request of her husband Robert. The meal times had been precious, a few moments of relaxation when life might approach something normal. On reflection the food had been what she would call buffet quality; not bad but not outstanding. She said as much to Kelli.
"That's the Director's policy. I can't get too fancy. You were a student here?" She stared at Cathy, eyes wide. "Were you… I mean, was it by choice?"
Cathy laughed. "By choice? Yes, but not mine. I did something stupid, something I'm ashamed of now. Robert did not approve. I was taken in the middle of the night and brought here. It didn't happen right away but I learned to appreciate what was important to me, what I really wanted out of life, and what I needed from Robert." Unconsciously she ran a hand along the steel collar that encircled her throat. "We were married soon after I left here. I've belonged to him since then."
Copying Cathy's gesture Kelli touched the collar around her own neck. "I still can't believe I'm here, in a place like this." She lowered her voice. "I always thought there was something wrong with me. Believing in harmony and obedience over independence and freedom, being submissive partners to men instead of competing with them, I was sure I was the only woman in the world who still felt that way.
"Now I'm in a world where it's not only admired but demanded. I'd do anything for Matt, but I never told anyone but him. Now everyone around me takes it as a given, and anything less is unacceptable. And it's not just me! All the women here share my values. I don't have to be afraid someone will laugh at me or call me weak."
Cathy put her hand over Kelli's. "That won't happen. You're among friends. Being devoted to that special man in your life is no sin here. It's respected. Submission is a virtue, not a fault." Cathy had been through her own struggle to find her identity in a world that told her something she couldn't reconcile to her own feelings. She sympathized with Kelli's relief at finding a peer group.
"I tell myself that, but sometimes I worry. I want to be perfect for Matt, but I get these thoughts inside my head. I get angry, resentful. I want to rebel, tell him off, yell at him, call him names and go off by myself. Then it wears off and I feel terrible. What if I actually do that some day? Would he put me," she hesitated for a moment, "in the school as a student?"
Cathy frowned, trying to think of a good answer. "I'll be honest with you Kelli. I don't know what he would do. I'd like to say it would never happen, but I'm sitting here now because it happened to me. I lost my temper and spent a long time in here regretting it. Dominant men can be unpredictable when you push them too far.
"I'm not perfect. I get mad at Robert too. Some of his requests, demands really, can drive me crazy. But I look at it in a larger perspective. I made promises to him, and to myself. He's never given me reason to mistrust him or doubt his judgment. Not in the long term at least. The first night here I had a different opinion.
"No matter what happens I have to keep to my side of our agreement or I couldn't face what I would become. About all I can tell you is to learn to rein in your bad moods. Tell him about it when you calm down. He might not even know if something he does upsets you."
"What I'm scared of, what keeps me awake at night," Kelli continued, "is if he did decide to put me over there, could I measure up? I know so little about what happens on the other side. Matt won't talk about it except in very general terms."
Cathy held up a hand to interrupt. "I can't tell you anything either. You know it's forbidden. No one who's been there is permitted to reveal what happens. And for good reason, though I can't explain why." She saw the warning signs. Kelli was comparing herself to the women around her, and as usual she paid attention only to their best side and dutifully balanced it against her own perceived failings.
"I understand Cathy, and I'm not asking you to disclose anything inappropriate. You know what it takes to make it through the program; would I be able to endure it too? That's what I want to know. Could I become the woman Matt would expect? Would he… Do you think he would look for someone else instead?"
She's scared to death he'll dump her for someone else , Cathy realized, and leave her trapped as a prisoner, forever trying her best to measure up to his impossible standards to win her release . Theoretically it could happen but she was sure the men who ran the place would never permit a situation like that. Considering the background checks and the interview process she doubted Kelli's master would ever have made warden if he were that selfish.
As far as Cathy knew the only case that even approached abandonment had been her friend Paula. Her husband Mike had been kidnapped by a guerrilla band in Bolivia while Paula was at the school. She had remained as student until he had been freed. Paula had been kept at the school far longer than anyone else but in the time Cathy had known her she had not once complained.
"Do you really want an answer, Kelli? There is a way for you to prove to yourself that your fears are groundless. It doesn't matter what I tell you, or what anyone else says either. You have to know. Am I right?" It might have been better to ask Robert before she did this, but Cathy sensed the moment was critical and couldn't wait. Kelli needed help.
It was a long moment before she answered, and even then she didn't look Cathy in the eye. "Yes, you're right. And yes, I want an answer. Not want, need. What can I do?"
Cathy took a deep breath and began. "Tonight, when Matt comes home…"
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