Fantasies

1Part One, Troubles.

       As she awoke from what had been a very fitful night’s sleep, Julie was more starkly aware of the unease that she had been experiencing more frequently over the past several months.  She hadn’t before been able to put a finger on it.  It had just been an increasingly unsettling feeling that something wasn’t quite right, that something was changing, and not for the better.  For the most part, she had tried to ignore this feeling and put it out of her mind, but that had been before the events of last night.  She and Ryan had been married for five years, and she had always believed that they were very content.  She was certain that they loved each other.  She had no doubt of her love for him, and he was always assuring her, both verbally and in a myriad of other ways, of his devotion for her.

       But over the last year or so, some things had started to feel different.  While their respective jobs had become more hectic and stressful, their time together at home at night had always been a refuge from all of that.  Of late though, and maybe longer, it seemed to her almost as if something was missing, or even worse, that something had been lost. 

       Ryan certainly never voiced such concerns, and they still shared in all the details, large and small, of their lives with each other.  But slowly, over time, they had stopped being as spontaneous, or doing many of the things they had once done together.  She had even at times seemed to sense that he was withdrawing, or, if she even dared to consider it, losing interest.

       Although obviously her darkest fear, she could never really believe that Ryan could be unfaithful.  He was just not the type, even if she had to suppose that all spurned women likely felt that way beforehand.  But he still spent all of his free time at nights and on weekends with her.  Whenever they did things with their many friends, they did them together, and there was just very little, if any unaccounted time or events in his life of which she was unaware.  And he continued to dote on her almost all of the time, even if his heart didn’t seem quite as into it as it once had.

       Maybe it had all become too routine.  She had tried never to place many demands on him, and he certainly never placed any on her.  They both just went about doing what they felt needed to be done, helping each other when it seemed to be necessary, rarely arguing, but also rarely discussing what each other might want or need.  It had become very comfortable, but perhaps no longer very satisfying.

       Unfortunately, the area  where this all seemed to manifest itself the most was in their sex life.  Although neither of them had ever been the most imaginative or robust of lovers, they had always seemed to enjoy their intimate moments together.  Except for some occasional experiments in positions, their lovemaking was for the most part fairly traditional, and of late, or possibly even longer, it had become almost rote and by the numbers.  There were an increasing number of times recently when she found herself faking orgasms so as not to disappoint him and thus have him fail to enjoy it all himself.  Despite this, there were more and more times when they were making love that he seemed to be somewhere else.  This never seemed to decrease his physical effort, but no matter how much harder he worked, the results were becoming less and less.  Then, last night, even with one of her more energetic performances, he continued to pump, and pump, and pump away, until he finally softened within her, pulled out in failure, and before rolling over to fall asleep gave her a sheepish and embarrassed grin, a peck on the cheek, and said only, “Sorry ... I guess I just don’t have it tonight.”

       And so Julie had tossed and turned and fretted through the rest of the night with little sleep of her own.  What was going wrong?  Why were they failing?  What was missing?  She knew that there was nothing in the world that she wanted more than to make him happy, and she truly believed that he felt the same toward her.  But somewhere along the way they had lost a connection, a spark that kept the flame within both of them roaring, and now she really feared that they were unconsciously, and unwillingly, drifting apart.

       What could she do?  She had to think of something.  Do something.  Anything.  She turned it over and over in her mind, but could come up with nothing.  There was little if anything the either wouldn’t or didn’t do for each other, as long as they knew what the other wanted and needed.  This last thought brought her up short.  As long as they knew what the other wanted and needed.  Where did Ryan go in his mind when they were making love?  Did she know?  She had never thought to ask, had never thought it necessary.  And he had never inquired it of her either.  Maybe it was something that they both needed to know.  Certainly now.

       A seed of an idea had begun to sprout in her head, and the more it grew the more right it seemed.  It was not something she would have ever considered before, and she wasn’t sure that she could convince Ryan to go along.  But something had to be done, had to be tried before things were too far gone.  She had to make him see that, and then maybe he would give her developing plan a chance.  She vowed to bring it up to him the very next morning at breakfast, before she lost her nerve.  With that resolution she had finally been able to drift off for a few moments of precious sleep.

********

       The next morning Ryan seemed unusually solicitous and chatty.  He seemed to her to want to talk about everything and anything except what she most dearly wanted to address.  They were well into breakfast, and his dissertation on an upcoming meeting at work, when she felt that she would soon lose whatever opportunity and courage she had.  She swallowed hard, clenched her fists, and interrupted him in mid sentence, something she almost never did.

       “Ryan, about last night ...”

       He made no attempt to pretend that he didn’t know what she was referring to, which told her all that she needed to know about his loquaciousness this morning.

       “Oh Jules, I was just very tired last night.  No biggie.”  He paused, and then looked at her hopefully, almost plaintively.  “You seemed to enjoy it though.”

       

       “How much do you think I could enjoy it when I know that you didn’t?”

       “It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it.  Like I said, I was just tired.”

       “Lots of things seem to be becoming more and more tired these days.  And not just in bed.”

       He was suddenly more wary.  “What do you mean by that?”

       “Oh Ryan, it’s just that I’m afraid that things are getting tired between us.  Getting stale.  That we need something new and exciting to wake us up.  Like we used to be.”

       “I’m not quite sure that I know what you mean, Jules.”

       That he didn’t outright try to contradict or argue against her basic premise spoke volumes, and gave her the needed strength to continue with her plan.

       “I’m not sure that I understand it all either, but I just sense that we need a change, something to get us going again, before we move too far apart and can’t hold on.”

       “Don’t you think you’re overstating things a bit.”

       “No I don’t, Ryan, I really don’t ... I’m really afraid that last night was just a symptom of something deeper, some need that we’re not meeting in each other that’s vitally necessary and important.  And it we don’t try to find it, it’ll be lost, and we might be lost as well without it.”

       “And how do you suggest we find this supposed need?”

       Now for the crux of it.  She had gotten this far.  Could she get over the hump?

       “I think that we start with the most obvious symptom.”

       “What do you mean?”

       She took a deep breath, and took the plunge.

       “Where do you go when we’re making love, Ryan?”

       Now he was more cautious than ever.

       “What are you talking about?”

       “I think that you go into a fantasy world, and it’s not the real me that you’re thinking about at that moment, but something else that excites you even more.”

       “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

       “Oh come on, of course you do.  And don’t you think that I have fantasies too.  That’s what I’m talking about.  I want to know your fantasies, especially your most intimate, exciting and closely held one that turns you on like no other.  And I want you to know mine” When he didn’t respond immediately she pressed ahead with the clincher.  “And then I want us to act them out.  Together.”

       “Oh Jules, that’s just silly.”  He finally responded.

       “No. It’s not.  I’ve never been more serious.  Please Ryan.  We need this.  I need this.  Look, I’ll make it easy for you.  You can go first.  Tonight after dinner you tell me your fantasy, your most real and intimate fantasy, the one that has been drawing you away from me, and then I’ll act it out for you.  To bring you back to me.”

       “Julie ... I just don’t know.”

       “But I do.  My love, this is really important to me.  For both of us.  And then tomorrow night I’ll tell you my fantasy and you can act it out for me.  We’ve got to give it a try.  We’ve got to give something a try, and this just seems like the right start.  What do you say?  Please Ryan.  For me.  For us.”

       He looked down and was silent for several very long moments before a barely audible   “Okay.  I’ll try.”

       She heaved a huge sigh of relief.

       “Great.  Tonight then.  And feel free to bring anything you need to enhance it all.”

       He could only nod.