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Kate is in Trouble
Author: Dr. White
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(Added on Apr 26, 2011)
(This month 10328 readers) (Total 11804 readers) |
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Be careful when you are picking up a stranger in a bar. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 5 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Dryhill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 4, 2011 |
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As a few of the reviewers have already said, this type of story has been done quite a bit. So i was not overly surprised by the ending, which as Michael247 says was a rather quick death.
i like Michael247's idea of the hooker being stuffed with vibrators ..... when you've got to go, you've got to go! (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 4, 2011 |
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This story gets a good strong seven from me and I have to admit I enjoyed the overall picture.
*
First of all, from a grammatical perspective, the story was decently written. The one glaring error I saw was the way punctuation was handled within speech quotations. I used to make the same mistake. You can't end a sentence of speech within quotations with a period if you then place "he said" or something like it afterward. So “I think I’m in trouble, here.” Thought Kate, needs to be "I think I'm in trouble here," thought Kate. I know, it's piddly, but hey, this is why we give critiques, so we can get better, right? Like I said, I used to make the same mistake all the time.
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From a story perspective the plot is a little weak. As another reviewer mentioned, getting bound and left when your partner dies unexpectedly (or passes out) has been used... a lot. That means it's up to the author to present a fresh face to the story. I admit I was a bit unsettled at the beginning when I realized that Kate was a prostitute and she was a willing partner in the man's deviance, but that wasn't enough of a twist. There also was a lack of tension build up. You almost needed some foreshadowing to build up to the climax (which was anti-climactic, but we'll get to that in a moment.) What if Kate, while haggling, had noticed her John rubbing his chest and arm. Or if later, his breathing was rapid and he was pale, yet when she asked him to release her, he refused? Build up that tension. Let the readers feel her anxiety as she slowly realizes something is wrong. THEN, when John collapses and Kate realizes that she's bound and stuck in a soundproof room, it's even worse. Hell, if it had been me, I would also have stuffed her full of full powered vibrators and a few evil clamps on her nipples and clit before snuffing it. That way, not only is she looking at dying, but it's going to really hurt too.
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The climax was anti-climactic, but only because it was sudden, with no build-up, and the author didn't spend a lot of time on it. As far as death scenes go, this one was real short. He didn't gasp. He didn't clutch his chest. He just dropped like a fucking rock. Boom. Done. And gee.. it was all so sudden.
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All in all, I enjoyed reading this story and demonstrates that Dr. White has a pretty good imagination. It's all finesse from here and I think that as we get more stories from Dr. White, we'll start to see some of that buildup and tension.
*
Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
bracemaiden
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 3, 2011 |
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I have to agree with Cutis - a few fun repeated sentences, a slight twist at the end makes up for the simplistic story (ie: this is not the story for deep breathtaking descriptions). (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Curtis
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 2, 2011 |
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This was the plot of a Steven King novel some years back. (Woman lets her husband tie her to a bed for a little rough sex, then he dies of a heart attack, leaving her helpless.) A little bit of humor in this, including a few fun repeated sentences, which is a device I sometimes use. When I read 'The house had three stories…', I thought you were going to finish with, '…and this is one of them.' (7/10)
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